This is going to be my title for the july post…cause july has brought me no good till now. It started with unending amount of homework and will end so too. It brought me a breakup and bad grades. Only a few weeks more and I dont know how much worse it can get.
But Im not too sure if i can take it..so with such irrational reasons..i am to plan and conduct the series of events that will lead to my death.
I for one am a coward…so death has to be painless. Maybe a couple of morphine shots…good enough to make me immune to the pain i should expect while getting my body hacked by an axe. Then..well then who cares. I do not care to look gorgeous at my deathbed, all i want is for there to be no pain, the rest can be left to the mad man’s imagination. My personal flowchart of my devised suicide is as such: overdose on morphine and then trust a lover or hater to do their best or simply strike the heart.
There will be regrets though. Regrets that will haunt me for all of eternity. Regrets that will make heaven look like hell and life as an opportunity. For regret is a plague one cant escape even with god by your side. And so i cant have those.
But now with death into the picture, lets take a step back and acknowledge the things that will precede it.
The first will be shock and mourning. God as my witness knows that i dont have enough people to be disturbed by the news of my suicide, but there will be mourning- you can bet on that.
Then will be the “but she was so young ” phase where numerous people,most of which weren’t related to me in any way, would question my cause of death and please themselves with their sherlockian methods of deduction! this conclusion and deduction will then be announced in a press release of sorts with a guaranteed contortion of the truth.But for these people i do not care since I hold no respect in my heart for those who birth devious rumours.
It is those who will perish in existence that i feel guilty for. The ones who loved and felt the loss with all their heart. And that could be the regret that will be burnt onto my skin like the scarlet letter on Hester’s lover.
The conclusion of this discussion is this : i come to stand to say that such suicides need courage and a bravado of sorts but in the end is the selfish act of a miserly who has no regrets inthe make believe world now closing in on him.