my life

Alaska

I scanned it…

Twenty times today.

That was three more than last time.

And last time was last month when I said happy birthday but I could see through those exclaimation points that you weren’t as glad.

And ten times more before that.

When you told me how to get over you, as if cutting you off was it for me.

It felt like it was more for you.

And I guess I seemed pathetic then, but I could never be that.

Because nothing could convince me to cash out on all the hours.

And all the effort I burnt…

To light myself up, once.

To give up on all our conversations and everything I wanted to see. To hear. To feel.

A someday.

You said you wanted to know me more.

And I guess I was the water that killed the wick, because I was out before I could even work.

The scented candle slowly spent itself on the crumbling wood of my time. Stained with indecent rot that filled me as it left you.

And you’re coming back tomorrow. But the scan tells me you’re not worth melting for anymore.

I just wish I hadn’t wasted my match on your cold golden eyes.

Because my box is almost out of sparks.

And its getting colder in Alaska everyday.

Advertisements
my life, poems etc.

Outstation

We went like we came

With loud speed and uncertainty

But long walks and daybreak took us in

And with the sun we rose

Finding each other in the mountain air

And calm lakes from another time

Suspended in moments etched within rocks darker than night

We floated home on a cloud

And closed our eyes

my life, poems etc.

Smoke

The pink child met

Some purple infidels

And in them did she confide

But come sundown

Purple became brown

And rainbows ebbed into darker skies

With the pale sickle

Bearing witness 

The pink lit angry flames

Between porcelian teeth

And with each pull

The smoke swirled 

Within her smiling memory

Then come scarlet daybreak

She mixed with the Gray

And walked amongst damned purple 

Pink now gone 

The little fawn

Was devoured by the screaming lion

my life, poems etc.

A fat heart

my mind plays tricks on me
in mirrors it reflects hypotheticals

different paths to ifs and onlys
impossible parallels to my existence

it taps into my secrets
and plays a shady advertisement

promising the good life
in exchange of my soul

representing beauty
in a rigged election

because sometimes
my mind is overpowered by my body

the shell I live in defining me
rolls and ridges of generous flesh

bigger than my heart
greater than my intentions

and larger than my love for you
for me

i lost myself to the material
mean mathematics had finally conquered me

and while my shell got better for them
it left no space for breathing

my heart was fat
and you weren’t okay with that

so you butchered me into shape
leaving a hole between my lungs

making me the canvas
of your insecurities

my life, poems etc.

On being a slut

My cotton briefs sit by my lacy bra leṭte  

Ink stained fingers wear seductive reds

My hair dishevelled and lobes twice pierced

Legs pour out of the shorts stretched across my derriere

Christian faith nestled in boastful cleavage

My morals looser than my lovers by the sewage

Brought up in elite upscale high rises

 I drive downtown for my sunrises 

The thunder reigning over me

Making your structure a mockery

And yet I am a slut for nothing more

Than all these sins my sisters branded me for

All these luxuries I allowed myself

Cashed out on the moral credit I once held

This generation they call themselves new

Rebels like me the deviant few

Monogamous monotonous daughters and mothers

On your wrinkles the dark age hovers

The feminist you claimed to be

Pigs more understanding than she

my articles, my life

Why is ’13 reasons why’ important?

Anyone who is keeping up with trending news topics would be well aware of the controversial Netflix series release of ’13 Reasons Why’

For those who don’t know about it yet, the show is a drama series following the story behind a high schooler’s suicide. It explores the 13 reasons that compelled her to do the unreasonable as she had confessed in 13 tapes. And as irrelevant as it sounds to many adults presently scoffing at “teenage” dramas, I promise it’s not. 

The series isn’t centred solely on the suicide, while it is the crux of the plot, it opens its panels to more issues. Issues like ‘bullying’. 

‘Bullying’ too meek a word to cover its impact. It takes many forms and many victims. It can be peer pressure, societal expectations or even parental pressure that motivates fear in young adults. Children at the burgeoning age of choices. Sadly also the age with the highest suicide rates, a fact informing cynics that we too have problems. That age doesn’t determine the severity of the issue or if it merits aid. That all things deadly aren’t physical but also mental.

There is much talk about how the show may be triggering to other suicidal individuals or survivors. I wouldn’t argue with that. But I will tell you this- The series doesn’t glamorise suicide as the only way to justice. It explains the impact of an individual’s absence on people. The impact of people refusing help or being too ignorant to be concerned enough to offer.The fact that while you may feel alone, you never are. There are always those who would be there for you, tell you better. 

The series also talks about rape, the struggles of closeted people and many more problems struggling to walk out from under the veil of taboo in “developing” India and even the world. It is a series that adolescents must see. A series parents must see. A series families must discuss. Because no one looks suicidal unless you look hard enough. Because suicide isn’t cowardice and mustn’t be ever pitied. Suicide is a comment on an individual’s social environment and not their strength. Because they always leave signs. And there are always reasons. Because there are multiple stories to answer one ‘why’. And to understand that you must give this effort a chance. It has become an epidemic that needs to be stopped.

And you must be the one who helps do that. Don’t be someone’s reason why. 

my life, poems etc.

On fear

Daylight passes in nerve racking anxiety

As my heart searches common ground to bond

And night comes a forced conversation

A small hope of tomorrow for one sided love

And I hated living an obsessed infatuated doom

But years had jailed me in anxious prisons

With empty nights and secret days

A pathetic circle with you across

My aching mind cries ever lost

And what I seek know I won’t find

But searching everyday for an end a cure

When frustrated I almost confess my soul pure

Panic stopping my sin in my lungs

Breath ragged gasps of misfortune 

Said nothing of deep fears repressed entrenched

For future spelled us only miles and seas

Spaces I couldn’t believe you’d foresee 

In the end truth left torment torn

Knew the world not for me but some other

You were yours and I was mine

And since we spoke of nothing more