my life

Alaska

I scanned it…

Twenty times today.

That was three more than last time.

And last time was last month when I said happy birthday but I could see through those exclaimation points that you weren’t as glad.

And ten times more before that.

When you told me how to get over you, as if cutting you off was it for me.

It felt like it was more for you.

And I guess I seemed pathetic then, but I could never be that.

Because nothing could convince me to cash out on all the hours.

And all the effort I burnt…

To light myself up, once.

To give up on all our conversations and everything I wanted to see. To hear. To feel.

A someday.

You said you wanted to know me more.

And I guess I was the water that killed the wick, because I was out before I could even work.

The scented candle slowly spent itself on the crumbling wood of my time. Stained with indecent rot that filled me as it left you.

And you’re coming back tomorrow. But the scan tells me you’re not worth melting for anymore.

I just wish I hadn’t wasted my match on your cold golden eyes.

Because my box is almost out of sparks.

And its getting colder in Alaska everyday.

Advertisements
poems etc.

Bondage

With every echoing moan

I forget our war against the patriarchy

And now

I’m swamped with these moments

Where I’m more animal than woman

And with each lyric of my night

I wonder if its wrong

To be this submissive

To feel power in losing control

I wonder if my sisters would 

look at me different

With hot purple sex bloated on my back

And

I wish I could be honest  

About my color

But when I wake up

I don’t know how to explain tough love

And hide from you

Because its this sad confusion

That whips me harder than them 

And its in this chaos

Where I truly lose myself

And fear finally hits my floodgates

Enslaved to an undying sadistic culture

Tied down with no safe word

my life, poems etc.

Outstation

We went like we came

With loud speed and uncertainty

But long walks and daybreak took us in

And with the sun we rose

Finding each other in the mountain air

And calm lakes from another time

Suspended in moments etched within rocks darker than night

We floated home on a cloud

And closed our eyes

my life, poems etc.

A fat heart

my mind plays tricks on me
in mirrors it reflects hypotheticals

different paths to ifs and onlys
impossible parallels to my existence

it taps into my secrets
and plays a shady advertisement

promising the good life
in exchange of my soul

representing beauty
in a rigged election

because sometimes
my mind is overpowered by my body

the shell I live in defining me
rolls and ridges of generous flesh

bigger than my heart
greater than my intentions

and larger than my love for you
for me

i lost myself to the material
mean mathematics had finally conquered me

and while my shell got better for them
it left no space for breathing

my heart was fat
and you weren’t okay with that

so you butchered me into shape
leaving a hole between my lungs

making me the canvas
of your insecurities

my life, poems etc.

On being a slut

My cotton briefs sit by my lacy bra leṭte  

Ink stained fingers wear seductive reds

My hair dishevelled and lobes twice pierced

Legs pour out of the shorts stretched across my derriere

Christian faith nestled in boastful cleavage

My morals looser than my lovers by the sewage

Brought up in elite upscale high rises

 I drive downtown for my sunrises 

The thunder reigning over me

Making your structure a mockery

And yet I am a slut for nothing more

Than all these sins my sisters branded me for

All these luxuries I allowed myself

Cashed out on the moral credit I once held

This generation they call themselves new

Rebels like me the deviant few

Monogamous monotonous daughters and mothers

On your wrinkles the dark age hovers

The feminist you claimed to be

Pigs more understanding than she

my articles, poems etc., poems etc.

A barter of souls

Feet stained red

Celebrating negotiated love

Standing on the final edge

Beyond all caging fences

And beneath the skyline

were arms in open embrace

Offering a calm conclusion

To a dying spirit

And so hesitantly she bid

Her grey house now his

For a home to be hers only

Left floating away from life

Her arrival sounded by the breaking

Of her once radiant will

Releasing her from

The forced barter

Where she had more to loose

my life, poems etc.

On fear

Daylight passes in nerve racking anxiety

As my heart searches common ground to bond

And night comes a forced conversation

A small hope of tomorrow for one sided love

And I hated living an obsessed infatuated doom

But years had jailed me in anxious prisons

With empty nights and secret days

A pathetic circle with you across

My aching mind cries ever lost

And what I seek know I won’t find

But searching everyday for an end a cure

When frustrated I almost confess my soul pure

Panic stopping my sin in my lungs

Breath ragged gasps of misfortune 

Said nothing of deep fears repressed entrenched

For future spelled us only miles and seas

Spaces I couldn’t believe you’d foresee 

In the end truth left torment torn

Knew the world not for me but some other

You were yours and I was mine

And since we spoke of nothing more